How Not To Be An Olympic Tourist

Avoid Nanluogu Xiang The Dongcheng District authorities plans to show off our cool little Houhai redux as a designated Olympic Lane (no one knows what this means), so expect this place to be swamped with out-of-towners.

Just don't leave your house, okay? You should have already charged up your electricity meter, and your balcony ought to be stocked with enough booze, chow, and water cooler refill jugs to last you through the closing ceremonies.

But if you have to venture into the madness …

Speak Chinese Even if you can’t.

You’re an expatriate. You can read faces and expressions, and respond accordingly. It'll impress the visitors, if no one else. Also, sprinkle your English with Beijinghua.

Keep that child-like wonder off your face

To establish your residential credentials, even if really spectacular things are happening around you (there might be). Treat all things Olympic with complete apathy, and look down on anyone who doesn't.

Pull neat little tricks that only locals know.

Open your Yanjing with chopsticks. Pitch a cheap lighter at the ground and watch it blow up. Great fun, great street cred.

But if you can't speak Chinese, if you can't suppress your enthusiasm, if you still haven't learned any tricks, you can always fall back on the China expatriate Halloween costume …

Go grey, get fat, look like a dweeb, and walk around with young women. And think you're hot shit for doing it.

A Note to Tourists:

· You know that silk kungfu outfit with the knotty buttons and embroidered dragon you picked up at the market? Everyone thinks you look weird wearing that thing here. Save it to impress your friends back home.

· One of the methods of learning English is reciting phrases loudly to build confidence. If someone is shouting at you, he’s probably trying to be friendly.

·You'll get hosed on prices. It's inevitable. Just bargain, have fun, and accept it. There's no sense in getting unhappy about it.

· Don't be offended if the answer to your question is a palm waggling in your face with the guy behind it yelling: "No, no, no!" He just doesn’t know how to express himself in English. He's actually really nice.

·You're leaving in a month. We live here! Don’t tip, for the love of God! You’ll screw up this whole thing we’ve got going here!

A version of this article first appeared in the August issue of the Beijinger magazine.