Ich Bin Ein Beijinger: Bist du ein Beijinger?

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

May 2008 -

1. In a recent study conducted by Manbag magazine in Beijing, which of the following was found in less than 20 percent of men’s pleather clutch purses?

a) The Little Blue Pill

b) RMB 20,000

c) Two mobile phones

d) A Zippo lighter

e) A Chinese translation of Marcel Proust’s "A Remembrance of Things Past"

2. That smell you encounter in many Beijing cabs is:

a) The Christmas tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror

b) New car smell with Chinese characteristics

c) Your driver’s garlic-scented perspiration

d) The last passenger’s lingering flatulence

3. Which of the following is the latest fully fledged food fad to hit Beijing?

a) Xiangla xie (“fragrant spicy crab”)

b) Xiangla xiaolongxia (“fragrant spicy crayfish”)

c) Shuan yangrou (“flash-boiled mutton hotpot”)

d) Mala xiangguo (“numb and spicy fragrant wok”)

4. Which of the following is a reason for why Shanghai is a better city than Beijing?

a) There really aren’t better discussion topics than real estate and stock prices

b) Shanghai is walkable and has streets not built on an inhuman scale

c) The legions of Beijing expats who speak Chinese well are just show-offs

d) Who needs 600 bands doing original music when you can have 600 Filipino cover bands?

5. Which of the following is NOT an officially recognized Expat Rite of Passage?

a) Having a bicycle stolen

b) An intravenous drip in a local hospital

c) Cabbie fisticuffs

d) Hepatitis

e) The Beijing Cough

6. Which of the following is NOT a Beijing heavy metal band?

a) Hades

b) Suffocated

c) Bloody Orgasm

d) Vomit

e) Regicide

7. Which of the following is NOT one of the five Fuwa (2008 Olympic mascots)?

a) Beibei

b) Jingjing

c) Huanhuan

d) Yingying

e) Nini

f) Chouchou

8. The main ingredients of the popular dish shuizhu yu (“water-boiled fish”) include all but which of the following:

a) Fish

b) Chili peppers

c) Sichuan peppercorns (prickly ash)

d) Cooking oil

e) Bean sprouts

f) Water

9. Which of the following is NOT a housing development in Beijing?

a) Yosemite

b) Central Park

c) Upper East Side

d) Chateau Royale with Cheese

e) Palm Springs

10. What chain, popular among foreigners, was recently expelled from the Forbidden City following widespread online controversy?

a) Hooters

b) Starbucks

c) Jenny Lou’s

d) Mr. Lee’s California Beef Noodle King U.S.A.

11. The overarching architectural theme for the New Beijing is officially called:
a) Shock and Awe
b) Sturm und Drang
c) High Level Grey
d) Gobi Dust

12. It’s 5.30 on a weekday afternoon, and you need to get from Guomao to Tsinghua University for a 6.30 meeting. You should:

a) Take Line 1 to Fuxingmen, transfer to Line 2 north to Xizhimen, take Line 13 to Wudaokou, and grab a cab for the final stretch

b) Immediately text your appointment to tell them you’ll be an hour late

c) Just get in a taxi and hope that traffic’s not too bad

d) Pray that the battery charge on your electric bike lasts
e) Just say “screw it” and go to Centro for happy hour

ANSWERS: 1) e; 2) probably c, possibly d; 3) d; 4) b (grudgingly); 5) d; 6) d (Vomit is from Tianjin, not Beijing); 7) f; 8) f; 9) d; 10) b; 11) c; 12) all answers acceptable, though I’d opt for e.