Trendspotting: The Fad Forecast for Beijing

Beijing seems to be the last stop for recycled trends. The Crocs craze has mostly died out in the States, but it seems every household in Beijing now owns a pair. And matchmaking reality shows? Are we back in the 90s? While most fads come and go, seemingly without any logic behind their flash in the pan existence, Beijing apparently holds onto the adage that one man's trash is another man's inexplicably popular treasure. So we're trying our hand at predicting upcoming Chinese fads. Take a look at why these trends will be filched from another country's rubbish bin, and why, like all fads, they're destined to die out in a week. And maybe invest in some stocks afterwards.

"My Family" car decals

Gotta have it: We're saying it out of love when we say that Beijing folks are cheesy. Exhibit A: their major form of comedy, cross-talk, celebrates puns above all else. And like the male peacock and stadium streakers, Beijingers enjoy showing off their goods. Where else in the world do you see such a prevalence of couples wearing matching outfits, just in case you weren't aware of how madly in love they are? These corny stickers will play into Beijing folks' love of kitsch while giving them the opportunity to proudly display their family.

Gotta ditch it: It won't take long for people to realize that the one-child policy means that every car will have identical stickers: one mom, one dad, and one child. And in a country where everyone is everyone else's doppelganger, that just won't fly.

Vibram Five Fingers

Gotta have it: Vibram has all the qualities that make Crocs a winner here: comfortable, orthopedically sound, and dead ugly. Vibrams might even be uglier than Crocs, which are at least acceptable on toddlers and retired gardeners. But that can only be a selling point, yes?

Gotta ditch it: It will be...at least until baby-sized Vibrams hit the market. Because there is nothing cuter than baby feet, and nothing as spine-chilling as seeing those feet suddenly look like they've got the disease that turns skin into bark. Just moments ago I wanted to eat your little toes, but now all I want to do is throw you into a river. Yes, Vibrams will offer you the bare-foot experience, but even China has an ugly threshold, no matter how skewed. Dyeing household pets the colors of the rainbow? Why not? But babies with tree-man feet? No thanks.

Dippin' Dots

Gotta have it: The latest media storm over China’s first female astronaut is sure to stir up a craze for all things space related, including space food. Flash frozen ice cream? That's just sci-fi enough to sell.

Gotta ditch it: Attempts to make a cheap rip-off lead to a slew of liquid nitrogen-related accidents. Also, people realize Chinese ice cream is diluted enough as is.

Child leashes

Gotta have it: In other places, parents who use the child leash are the kinds voted most likely to leave their baby in the car. But in Beijing, traffic likes to color outside the lines. Even a fully sentient adult gets into a few near scrapes every day. And the kids here seem to have no capacity for fear. After all, they've been balancing precariously on electric scooters since their legs could support their body weight. Oncoming traffic is nothing except the white noise that accompanies them on these scooter outings. Come on parents, why haven't you already got a leash? Protect your assets!

Gotta ditch it: These kids have never even known the mild, chafing restraint of a seat belt. Since most child leashes come with a stuffed animal design, you might be able to trick them into thinking that Mr. Snuggles is merely giving them a hug. But after they wise up to the fact that even hugs can be nightmarish, temper tantrums are guaranteed. And what the little emperors want, the little emperors get.

Frozen TV dinner sets

Gotta have it: You could make the argument that Beijingers will stick their noses up at the idea of preservative-laden, chemically-enhanced dinners. But this is a country that has steroids in its pork. Dumplings have already made the frozen food crossover successfully, why not kung pao chicken with a side of rice? And as for the fact that Chinese cuisine is already notoriously quick to make, the popularity of McDonalds, KFC, and Usain Bolt prove that there is always something faster, and that this quality alone automatically makes them more awesome.

Gotta ditch it: The Chinese are unbelievably tolerant of the grossest, most sloppily made food, but there is one thing they are unforgiving about. You never f**k up the rice. That would be like promising your terminally ill mother that you'll fulfill her last wish by taking her to Paris, and then when the day comes, you f**k up the rice. And there is no amount of science or witchery that will save the soggy, glutinous mess that is thawed rice.

Adderall

Gotta have it: Drastic times call for drastic measures, and many Chinese people would cite preparing for their Gao Kao as the most stressful time of their lives. Students are already known to take compound amino acid injections and hooking themselves up to IV drips while studying. And given how in other countries, college students take Adderall in order to combat the high-pressure cooker that is finishing a five-page paper, it wouldn't be surprising if ADD medication became a hit for strung-out high school students here. Naysayers will argue that "study aids" qualify as prescription drug abuse, but let's break it down. Your six-year-old likes to run around and sometimes is a little too loud for your liking. These students started shooting espresso in middle school to prepare for their marathon study sessions. Have a heart, you grinch.

Gotta ditch it: To get a prescription, all you have to do is pretend to have attention deficit disorder. But to get a prescription, you have to pretend to have attention deficit disorder. Saving face takes priority over saving grades.

Lisa Frank art

Gotta have it: Remember shopping for school supplies in grade school? Then you must remember the over-saturated neon colors and large-eyed wildlife that graced folders, binders, and backpacks courtesy of Ms. Lisa Frank. "Won't it be a bit too flashy for the Chinese market," says nobody. Lisa Frank is like if Ed Hardy and My Little Pony had a baby, and then kicked that child out of their home for being too flamboyant. Good thing the Chinese people are there to accept Lisa with wide, open arms.

Gotta ditch it: Nope. If Lisa Frank ever sinks her claws into China, she’s not letting go. The streets of Beijing will bleed hot magenta and electric blue. Like the mullet, this fad will never die. And even if it does, you know hipsters will just start wearing it ironically.

Are there any fads from your country that you would like, or hate, to see resurrected in Beijing?

Photos: Workchic.com, Flikr.com, Averageparent.com, www.sodahead.com