Beijing Adoptive Parents Discuss Their Experience

The coverage of events surrounding Ray Wigdal and the 11 children in his foster care has focused attention on issues of adoption by foreign parents in China. While Wigdal has chosen to care for children outside of the mainstream, others have used a more traditional approach to becoming adoptive parents. In June, the Beijinger's sister publication beijingkids interviewed two prominent Beijing-based, foreign fathers, who discussed their experiences adopting children in China. Relevant excerpts from those interviews follow below:

Michael Crain
American-born Michael Crain is the co-founder of Chi Fan for Charity, an annual dining event that works with restaurants and local personalities to raise money for worthy causes. He’s also a senior consultant and the director of administration at Bingham McCutchen, a global law firm. He has twin adopted daughters from Guangdong: Mackenzie and Mackaylee (age five).

What’s it like being an adoptive parent in Beijing?
There is still a perception here that when everyone takes care of their own, everybody’s fine. But there is a disenfranchised population where people have decided to have children, but have also decided not to keep them for whatever reason. [With] our girls, I would presume the parents realized that they had not just one but two girls, and decided to give them up for adoption. We’re very fortunate that they were kept together.

In China, it’s hard to give children up for adoption so usually they are abandoned in a place where they can easily be found. As Caucasian parents of Chinese children – especially when we get outside of Beijing or Shanghai – people look at them, then at us. It takes a while to compute.

It’s taken a little bit of understanding from the girls, also. They would see a Chinese child with a Chinese woman and say “ayi.” We had to explain that maybe she’s an ayi or maybe she’s a mama. Not all mamas have blonde hair and blue eyes. It’s only now that they understand that they came from another woman’s belly, not [my wife] Joanna’s belly.

How do you have that conversation with the girls about being adopted?
In our case, we look different so they’re going to have questions. We were counseled to talk to them about being adopted from day one. Every year, I make a video of their year. The first video shows us getting them from the orphanage, so it opens the door for those questions to be asked.

Recently Mackenzie said something like “Let’s go to that place to buy babies,” because she wanted a little brother. Joanna said, “What do you mean?” and she said, “Let’s just go to the store and buy another baby.” So it was important for us to take them back to where we got them to see the orphanage, so that they know there are other children who are waiting to be adopted.

What about being the father of twins?
When we were told we were getting twins, people said, “Are you crazy?” We didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into. They were dropped in our lives at 18 months, already running around. We were at the Westin in Guangzhou, and all of a sudden one of them is eating the rind off an orange, the other is doing something else, and we thought, what did we just do? They just came in and took over, and it’s been that way ever since.

Even from the very beginning, they would switch personalities. One will be difficult, and the other will see that, and think “She’s being difficult and I have to hold back.” And they’ll do that for a while, and then they’ll switch back. We never had two crying babies at the same time. They’re each other’s best friends and worst enemies.

What’s it like going from not having children to being parents the next morning?
We had a very long waiting period; we had a nesting period rather than a pregnancy. Like natural parents, we visualized what our children would be like, but we also had photos of them.

Mackaylee came running out with arms open. Mackenzie needed a little more stroking; she immediately started crying, and didn’t let go for seven months. The first thing we did was take them back and scrub them down, and they started discovering water. I think it’s the same whirlwind that birth parents experience.

Many people in Beijing know you as the co-founder of Chi Fan for Charity. Was adoption part of a general spirit of charity that you and Joanna share?
We wanted to have a family and had talked about [adoption]. Now that I know how the system works and how many issues it has – it’s actually very difficult to put a child up for adoption here – why wouldn’t you want to give that child to someone who wants to raise a child? Part of the process is that they try to find the birth parents; if they’re found, the child or children are given back and the mother is punished.

Editor's note: Since this interview was first published, the Crains have returned to the United States.

Dominic Johnson-Hill (pictured above)
British-born Dominic Johnson-Hill is the father of four girls: Prudence (age 13), Winnie (nine), Rosie (seven), and Betsy (four). One is adopted, one is from a previous relationship, and two are from his marriage. Johnson-Hill is the founder of Plastered T-Shirts, along with doing TV work and a radio show. He and his wife Laura Hutchinson have both been in Beijing for over 15 years.

You have four children, including one multi-cultural child and one adopted child. Are their needs noticeably different and do they present significant challenges, one from the other?
All kids’ needs are very different, whether adopted, from a previous marriage, or biologically. In our case, it’s all these little imperfections that make us a beautifully perfect family. The girls have a great understanding of this. The cereal box family only exists on the cereal box; the mom is probably in therapy, the father is running around, and the kids are about to grow up and become ... cereal box models.

We get a lot of questions from people, especially Chinese who are refreshingly direct about the make-up of our family. It is interesting to see people’s reaction when I tell them that I have four daughters from three mothers.

What advice would you give to other fathers in Beijing?
My wife and I always felt it was important to help our kids feel that they belong here, which can be tough. Getting involved with community is important, making an effort with neighbors so that the kids are not just international kids, but a part of the fabric of Beijing. Our kids speak fluent Chinese and that’s something that comes quite easily to most [international] kids growing up here. The hard bit is making them feel a sense of belonging and having that come through making an effort and showing respect.

This article originally appeared in the June 2014 issue of beijingkids.