The Rules of Expat Dating: Ask Yue Xu

This Beijing native became a dating coach upon the request of male friends. Now she runs a high-traffic blog (Singlefied.com) addressing many of her clients' most burning questions, splitting her time between New York and China’s capital. We asked her about yellow fever, bad first impressions and the best place to take a girl out on a date in Beijing.

How would you describe Beijing’s dating scene?
There are two dating scenes: expat dating and local dating. I call expat dating in Beijing “Summer Camp.” Everyone has an expiration date, but while they’re here, they want to make the most of it. As a result, relationships progress and die faster than in real life. Also, it can get quite incestuous as the circle is small and gossip-ridden. On the other hand, the local dating scene is like shopping at Whole Foods. You get sucked in by the romanticized packaging, but at the end of the day, you have to fill one practical need: get fed. Or in dating terms: get married. So while locals want to lead with their heart, having a car, an apartment and a good job might take precedence over emotional needs. Or in other words, you sometimes have to put down the organic quinoa and just buy a bag of white rice.

How many dates have you been on?
Lost track. I lived in New York for seven years. Going on dates there is like going to the grocery store. You can always squeeze in a date between work and yoga.

What makes you an expert?
I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a certificate, and I don’t have fancy letters at the end of my name like R.E. (Relationship Expert). However, my passion is observing dating and relationships. I mentally collect stories and formulate patterns, trends and takeaways. Plus, I have a 100% success rate. Can’t argue with that.

How does dating here compare to the US?
The thing unique to Beijing is the addition of sexually curious local girls. Dating here becomes both heaven and hell for foreigner guys. It’s awesome because guys can get laid at every hutong corner, but the downside is local girls get attached more aggressively – not to mention the pervasiveness of STDs.

The difference is that in China, a commitment is expected. In the US, a commitment is earned. Locals here don’t have to go through the awkward conversation of “defining their relationship” and using the word “exclusive.” If the basic requirements are met and they go on a few dates, a commitment is already established. But in the US, even if you’ve already met the parents and attended the best friend’s wedding, you’re still not in a committed relationship until it is verbally awarded to you. This is most likely due to the fact that Chinese locals don’t do as much casual dating as we do in the US.

What’s your best piece of dating advice?
Open heart, open mind. Some people go into dating with a list of their “requirements.” People obviously make these lists based on their previous experiences. But guess what? Your type hasn’t exactly worked out in the past.

What do you think of speed dating?
It’s great practice! The biggest problem with dating anywhere in the world is the lack of communication. People forget how to hold conversations, how to get to know a stranger, and how to be engaging. Speed dating is a great way to practice your conversational skills and bring out the “interesting” in anyone.

What’s the worst first impression?
Lack of eye contact. It shows disinterest, insecurity, and the possibility of a lazy eye (not cute).

What’s your deal breaker?
I see a lot of foreigners in Beijing being extremely rude to the fuwuyuan. It’s just so classless and disrespectful, it would have me wondering how much of a dick they could be to me.

What’s the best/strangest place for dates around here?
Best place: Any of the public parks. Strangest place: Chocolate. You all know what I mean.

What do you think of yellow fever?
It’s rampant in Beijing! The thing is, there’s a huge difference between guys who only date Asian and guys who just happen to date Asian. I see all the ads on TheBeijinger.com that read “Seeking nice Chinese lady for marriage,” or “Want Chinese woman for lonely nights.” Everyone has their needs, but honestly, why limit your options to an ethnicity?

What’s the goal of dating?
To find a co-captain on your team. This world is sometimes too much for one person to handle.

Tell us about a few of your most popular articles you’ve written – what do you think was the reason behind their success?
1) The Dating Timeline: Who You Should Be Dating at What Age
2) Heartbreak and the Emotional Cushion: How Men and Women Deal With Heartbreak Differently
3) Rejection, Lessons Learned From Chinese Dating Show Fei Cheng Wu Rao
4) What Do Men and Women Really Want
5) The Stages of Attraction
6) The Curse of the Buffet (What Happens With Too Many Options)
7) Why Some Women Lack Maternal Instinct

All of these articles were popular because they dealt with the elephant in the room – the things that people are thinking but don’t want to say out loud. Also, I think articles like "Heartbreak," "Stages of Attraction" and "Rejection" simplify the guesswork that we drive ourselves crazy over. I also have some fool-proof pick-up strategies but I’ll leave the guys to find those for themselves. Can’t make it too easy for them, right?

Would pick up artists be able to pick you up?
Absolutely, yes. But then I’d break them down and make them cry.

Pick up more dating wisdom from Yue Xu on Singlefied.com.