Ich Bin Ein Beijinger: Twelve Regrets

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

June 2008 – I hope you’ve all had a chance to read this month’s list of 101 things that you should do before leaving Beijing. I thought that I should provide a little counterpoint to that. You see, living here for 12 straight years, as I have, one ends up doing things one comes to regret.

1. I should have backed down when challenged on my assertion that “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the tap water here. It’s perfectly potable.” A liter was probably too much. On the bright side, I did lose three kilos in the week that followed.
2. I never should have agreed to manage that klezmer band. I really thought we’d clean up in the wedding market. I’m raking it in, though, with my mariachis. I see La Cucaracha being Beijing’s next Hotel California.
3. I should never have let my campaign run those negative ads during my bid for Neighborhood Committee seat back in ’02.
4. I now see that biting that panda again to avenge my Henanese co-provincial was going too far. For the record, neither he nor I had any business being in the panda enclosure at the zoo that drunk.
5. I shouldn’t have done that CNN interview last month about the amaz¬ing cheese selection at Carrefour. Took me forever to get all that Camembert out of my hair and clothes.
6. I wish I hadn’t found out the hard way that big Russian guys who hang out in Hollywood don’t take kindly to jokes about their country’s major exports being oil, gangsters, and exotic dancers.
7. I guess I may have been mistaken when I told those Danish guys that “lady bar” is just the way we say “ladies night” here in The Jing. Lars, Jan – I’m really sorry about your passports and the concussions. Hey, at least your physical therapist is cute! How’s that going?
8. I really ought to have found out more about that guy’s performance art piece before agreeing to be in it. Nudity, fine. Lobsters, fine. But believe me, friend, nudity and lobsters is just asking for trouble.
9. I recognize now that my insistent belief that youtiao – being sugar-free doughnuts made without trans fats – are perfectly healthy, may have been erroneous.
10. I admit now that it isn’t all that funny tricking unsuspecting foreign friends into eating dog meat. Man, you should have seen their faces when I told them though.
11. I should never have allowed my band to play that show at Kenny Roger’s Roasters. Heavy Metal doesn’t work on a stage that looks like a set from Hee-Haw.
12. I should have bargained harder for that shanshui painting I bought off those nice art students from Xi’an I met at Wangfujing. On reflection, RMB 6,500 was kind of a lot.