Ich Bin Ein Beijinger: Between the Lines

“Ich Bin Ein Beijinger” was a magazine column written by Kaiser Kuo that ran in every issue from October 2001 to October 2011. Kaiser offered one self-proclaimed Beijinger's take on the city that he's come to call home.

August 2007 - Time: 12pm From: KK
Hey, just deplaned. My bag was last off carousel, now facing a Hongqiao-esque taxi line. Running late, sorry. Can we push lunch back to 1pm?

Time: 12.15pm From: KK
Damn cab blew a tire just shy of the tollgate. Trying to flag down another. Should still make 1pm.

Time: 12.30pm From: KK
Duibuqi, make it 1.30, can’t find a cab that doesn’t smell like ass, feet, or garlic sweat. Have pity: it’s a long ride.

Time: 12.45pm From: KK
Sorry, hit a hideous traffic snarl. ETA one hour. Go ahead and order.

Time: 1.15pm From: KK
Dude, blood sugar levels are running perilously low, had to stop off at a nearby Maidanglao for a pingguo pai. Go ahead and eat.

Time: 1.30pm From: KK
Yeah, go ahead and eat. Doesn’t look like I’ll make lunch. Can you do coffee at 3pm?

Time: 1.45pm From: KK
Sorry, money ran out on my phone card. Had to stop to buy a recharge card so I could send you an SMS to tell you I’ll be even later than I thought.

Time: 2pm From: KK
Sorry, driver’s secret hutong shortcut didn’t quite work out. Text you again when we’ve emerged from the warrens and into this century.

Time: 2.15pm From: KK
Ugh. Serious gridlock. Let’s make it dinner. Might be a while.

Time: 2.30pm From: KK
Crap. Major sinkhole on the Third Ring. Traffic’s literally piled up, but intrepid cabbie thinks we might be able to drive over roof tops of cars in the pile before the cops show up. Fingers crossed.

Time: 2.45pm From: KK
Cabbie’s been pulled over, getting written up. Need to clear this up. He told the cops it was my idea, wants me to pay the ticket.

Time: 3pm From: KK
Hey, is there a China Merchants Bank anywhere near Changhong Qiao?

Time: 3.15pm From: KK
Thanks, hope I can get there before it closes.

Time: 3.30pm From: KK
Car exhaust-induced asthma attack, need to push back our appointment. Call you from the emergency room after epinephrine injection.

Time: 4.45pm From: KK
Chang’an Jie is down to one lane. Cabbie says the president of some Micronesian coral fleck switched recognition and was deemed worthy of a motorcade bigger than his country’s populace.

Time: 6pm From: KK
Go ahead and order. I’m resigned to die of starvation in the back of this Hyundai Elantra. Will SMS you my last will and testament.

Time: 6.15pm From: KK
Screw this. I’m getting out and walking. If I’m not there in two hours, call 110.

Time: 7pm From: KK
Man, my feet are killing me. Wanna meet up for a late-night foot massage?