The Lighter Side of China: Marital Advice for Mixed Marriages

In China, when you take the concept of developing guanxi too far, you’d better be prepared for what's in store for you. At least, that’s my advice after 18 years of marital bliss.

Guanxi is among the first concepts most Westerners are introduced to in China. Wikipedia defines it as “the basic dynamic in personalized networks of influence” and it essentially refers to all aspects of your relations with others, both personal and professional.

Like most Westerners, I came to Asia wanting to immerse myself in the culture. I took Chinese lessons, ate at local restaurants, and enjoyed the company of Chinese friends who helped me achieve a nuanced understanding of the culture. I didn’t plan on acquiring a Chinese wife. But that is what I did – and it was the best move I have ever made.

There is an idiom that many couples use in China to define relationships that are going astray. That is “tong chuang yi meng” (同床异梦), which means “sleeping in the same bed, but having different dreams.” Well, after 21 years in Asia, and 18 years of being happily married, I thought I would give those in aspiring relationships some advice on how to keep dreaming together. Please note that I am neither a psychologist, marriage counselor nor personal relationship consultant, so take this advice at your own peril. Here are ten tips from the “Lighter Side of China” for achieving success in mixed relationships.

Tip #1: When you decide to marry and are told you must pay a dowry to her family, do not complain, especially if the expense is less than the cost of a high-quality pig. Years ago, the traditional dowry consisted of sewing machines, bicycles and other varied gifts, so if you are asked to just hand over cash, don’t think twice. Also, don’t try to negotiate. That is not a good way to begin a marriage. In fact, if you really want to get off on the right foot, offer to double down.

Tip #2: During preparations for the wedding, don’t complain about the day that you spend taking pictures. Be thankful that you only have to change costumes ten times instead of 20. Get some rest because you may have to pose chasing your future wife up a grassy hill, hair flowing in the wind. Enjoy this exercise. You will appreciate the experience 18 years later when you look lovingly at your wife, who, by the way, has not aged nearly half as much as your sorry self.

Tip #3: Don’t complain about the “six gold gifts” that you must present upon your engagement. The gourmet candy and cookies that are shared with relatives, friends and colleagues represent the appreciation you have for your soon-to-be bride. This candy/cookie tradition goes back generations, underlining the importance of the announcement that a daughter would be married, and back then there were few divorces. The sharing of sweets is a symbol for the future of your relationship. I suggest you avoid giving candy such as Sour Patch Kids or sour balls.

Tip #4: When discussing plans for having children, go beyond common questions such as “How many kids do you want?” If you don’t ask about basic beliefs about childrearing – such as when the children will “touch earth” after being carried around for their first two years of life, or rocking your child and patting their back vs. letting them cry themselves to sleep – they could become topics of contention once the baby arrives. As for the Chinese tradition of zuo yuezi (literally translated as “sitting out a month”), the month-long period of recuperation after your wife delivers, don’t zuo yuezi along with her. Your weight won’t go away as fast as your wife’s.

Tip #5: Don’t argue unnecessarily about right and wrong or whose culture is better than the other. There are too many gray areas in life, and most of these arguments don’t lead to any positive result. Don’t have a math contest. Don’t try to count money faster than your spouse. If your wife is a black belt in judo or any other form of martial arts, don’t ask her to prove it to you.

Tip #6: When going to a movie and snacking on popcorn, don’t comment about the dried fish your wife chooses to eat. If your wife desires to eat stinky tofu or durian fruit, smile. Don’t plug your nose or make some snide comment about how horrible they smell. Just politely decline to take part in their consumption.

Tip #7: If you are overweight and your wife is in great shape, don’t argue about health-related issues. Don’t be sarcastic when she talks about “hot” and “cold” foods, and don’t comment when she refuses to let you drink cold water. And if she tells you to walk around after you eat dinner instead of plopping down on the couch, walk! Don’t walk to the couch and count the steps. That doesn’t work.

Tip #8: Don’t joke about ghosts. There are hotels throughout China, Hong Kong and Taiwan that are home to many ghosts. If you make fun of them, you could put yourself in harm’s way.

Tip #9: If your kid has a sniffle and your wife wants to take him or her to the hospital, just do it. It is easier than arguing and will save you a lifetime of guilt if something else really is wrong. If the doctor looks like he or she is older than your grandparents, they probably are. In China, this means that they are very experienced and have seen many patients in their day.

Tip #10: For true marital bliss, if you are asked for your opinion or point of view, be sure you consider all angles before responding. Sometimes it is best to respond to such a question with this: ”What do you think?” And then agree. That will save you a lot of arguments. Think about the following statement, which my wife shared with me early in our marriage to avoid all confrontation:

“If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it, let’s just be clear … it’s your fault.”

Scott Kronick is president of Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide, North Asia.

Image: News.com.au