Peking Man: To the Guy Who Stole My iPhone

Hi there, and congratulations on your new iPhone 5.

Let me first say that you’re a truly talented thief. I mean, one second I’m checking WeChat and the next I’m wrestling random people to the ground and rifling through their pockets.

Listen, I’ll be frank: I am willing to pay cold hard cash to get that phone back. 200 kuai. Okay, 500.

If you’re not in it for the money, I would be willing to give you one of my friends’ phones in exchange for mine. You could totally trade up here. My friend Mark – you might remember him, he was walking with me when you stole my phone – just got a brand new 5S and hasn’t dropped it once. As you might have noticed, my screen looks like a bed of mud cracks. You don’t want that.

If you’re unwilling to part with the phone, I understand. It’s got a pretty sweet My Little Pony case and what may be the world record high score on Flappy Bird. You’re welcome to keep it. I mean, you earned it with those wiley fingers. But can you at least download all my pictures and send them to me? Dropbox should be fine.

I ask that you please do not look through the files as you download them. It is unfair to judge me based on the contents of my phone without proper context. And before you ask: No, I’m not embarrassed about the number of shirtless selfies on there. I love my body and make no apologies for it. If you’re interested in achieving my body mass index, we can converse further through email.

I don’t think I have to say this, but please do not call anyone on my contact list pretending to be me. They won’t fall for it. And don’t have McDonald’s deliver a bunch of food to my apartment because they have my number and address on file. It would only waste the delivery man’s time.

If you do decide to dial random numbers, please do not call “Stephanie 2.” It’s a long story but we sort of dated for a while before I lied and told her I left the country. I only have her number in case she calls me. If you do happen to call one of my friends, make sure to tell them your real name and where you are.

If you’re really intent on keeping the phone, can you at least tell me something about yourself, like where you’re from or what you do? I’d feel a lot better knowing that my phone was in good hands.

Please don’t think this is a ploy to get my phone back. On the contrary, I am willing to let it go. Sure, the phone meant a lot to me – you might even say it was my entire god damn life – but maybe it will come to mean even more to you.

In fact, I encourage you to make new memories with it and sync them with iCloud. Take a lot of selfies and group photos with your accomplices. Remember to keep geotagging on. It also doesn’t hurt to record videos of yourself going about your day, walking around your neighborhood and confessing to stealing phones in your spare time.

 I do hope that you’ll get in touch, but if not, enjoy the phone that I worked so hard to buy. May it serve you as well as it served me.
Oh, one last thing, I can’t find my bike. Did you steal that too?

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Photo: Proletkult Graphic on The Noun Project