Stunt 101: Are You a Smelly Fatty?

Artur Witkowski | Oct 21, 2018 5:00 pm | Add a comment | 2024 reads

Stunt 101 takes a sultry dive into the weird, the explicit, and the abnormal fads and trends gripping China and its inhabitants so that you never risk being stunted on again.

Chen Yuan (pictured above) is a straight baller, living large with girls and money. He has 550GB of space on his hard drive, 32GB of RAM, and like 18 computers. He is the mogul IT machinist in Zhongguancun who will solve your computer impotence issues, offer you tea, and pull you into the shady world of cryptocurrency – all while orating with the intensity of Charles Manson. He is also an avid body shamer.

“How you doing today, Mr. Chen?”

“Extremely happy. Also stressed. If you have a fat crypto wallet, then basically you know what it’s like to be a fat person, you know? You have to watch every step. It’s a 24-hour job, with all eyes on you – crypto don’t sleep.”

“Um. Can you give me an example?”

“We were in this Meetup.com blockchain cuddle puddle in Phuket and everyone was rolling and nobody wanted to touch my fat friend, so I started body shaming him and eventually everyone tried making him feel better by rubbing him like, ‘Wow this feels so amazing.’ He got with two Venezuelan EtherCoin reps that night, so there you go. I think people are good, deep down inside.”

“What’s blockchain?”

“You ever see The Human Centipede?”

“I love that movie.”

“It’s a lot like that. ‘Pump and dump’ schemes, they call them. One thing you have to know about crypto: ‘there are no rules, only consequences.’ Same goes for body shaming – once you put an idea in someone’s head, there it stays.”

“Yeah. You pointed out my facial acne earlier.”

“That’s not acne, those are sex bumps, brother. You need to have sex, then they will go away.”

“Okay. When did you first get into body shaming?”

“My mom was a big concern-troll. Always with the ‘You’re so skinny, you should eat more.’ Pretty standard. ‘Don’t you think it’s time for you to get married?’ Parents are really good at that, because these are people who have lived a little longer and know how to get the most out of their bodies.”

“Right.”

“Body shaming gets a bad rep nowadays, but most people don’t know the tactical benefits: high investment returns with little to no risk. How do you think I survive in Zhongguancun? It’s sell or be sold out here. People are scared of online shopping, but Taobao and Jingdong, they don’t have the touch I do. They don’t move the customers like I do. Look, I’m on the second floor. People have been walking up those stairs 10 years to see me. I’m the king, man. I run the underworld, guy. I got the entire Adobe Creative Suite here. Ableton. Rhino. Any software you want, I’ll find it, crack it, put it on your computer. Fifty kuai.”

I imagined Chen’s repeat customers floating up the escalator, lured by a secret desire to be body shamed by the same man who turbo-charges their laptops.

“I don’t trust anyone I haven’t body shamed. That’s what my wife always says: “I don’t care how rich he is, if he turns into a baby when you body shame him, he’s just a man holding onto your money for you.”

This Issue’s Stunt Kit: