Aye Que Salsa: Mexican Sauce Wars

With this weather every day is a potential picnic day, which is why we here at the Beijinger subjected ourselves to the grueling (grueling I tells ya!) task of trying and testing a number of Beijing's salsa options to save you from the potential sadness that comes with purchasing a jar of watery mush instead of hearty dip. Below you'll find the results of our vigorous experimenting:

La Costena (see above)
RMB 23.50
“This is just chunky tomato water. There is literally nothing else in this.”
“This is like being forced to lick clean a Mexican wrestler that repeatedly got body slammed on a bed of tomatoes. Tomato flavored lucha libre.”
“It says ‘Made in Mexico’, but my guess is that it was made with imported Mexican tap water.”

Tostitos Chunky Salsa Hot
RMB 29.90
“This was made in a lab so that you could be scientifically satisfied with the taste, but it lacks the soul of a salsa made by a true mamacita.”
“Not bad, but probably your last decent resort. All of your reputable salsa dealers are closed, so you swing by the gas station and pick up this crap. “
“My grandmother kicks harder than this. This jar doesn’t deserve the hot tag.”

La Preferida Thick ‘n’ Chunky Salsa Hot
RMB 26.80
“This should just be called Mexican ketchup. Then it should be destroyed for being absolutely disgusting.”
“I taste nothing. Dump the rest down the drain. Probably the worst salsa ever created.”

Newman’s Own Salsa Medium
RMB 35.90
“This one is numero uno. Charity never tasted so good. Well, never in salsa form.”
“Weird how this is the second spiciest of the group but it is labeled a ‘medium’.”
“Super chunky, and you can see all of the ingredients listed. A pleasant sight for these salsa-weary eyes.”

Pace Chunky Salsa Hot
RMB 27.60
“It’s the spiciest of the bunch, but still without the kind of kick you want in a salsa.”
“The salsa equivalent to grunge rock – appropriate for a certain period in your life, but ruined by the creation of the internet.”
“This one is passable to the casual consumer, but would probably get you killed if you served it to El Guapo or Malverde.”
 

VERDICT
There was a clear winner in the Newman’s Own, though the Pace Chunky Salsa was a decent alternative. We came to the conclusion that though there is a small amount of convenience that comes with buying a jar of salsa, none of these actually compare to the real thing. You’re much better off just picking up a Rick Bayless cookbook and making it happen before you head out, loaded basket in hand.

Photos: Sui