We Talkin' or We Racin'?: Morgan Short's Ultimate Beijing Staycation

This article comes from the back page of the Beijinger magazine, that most holy of places fit only for the Ministry of Culture.

Welcome, dear friends. Once again, it looks like you’ve made it all the way to the very back page of the Beijinger, and for that feat, I doff my cap in earnest reverence to your tenacity and stick-to-it-ive-ness.  

Of course, in doing so, by now you know all you need to know about “Summer Fun” in Beijing, as was the “theme” of this issue, as elucidated in the humble and forthright pages proceeding this one. 

And now I would invite you to rip those pages out.  

Yes, go on, rip them out. Rip them out! Dead Poets Society style, stand on your desk right now, “O Captain My Captain”-style, and rip those damned pages right out of the damned magazine, because this is the only page you’ll need, my friends, and this is a war.  You heard me. Rip. Them. Out.

Out with your Schwankerts! Begone, Mr. Whittaker!

This page right here, this one single sheet of cut-rate pulp, is your key to executing the perfect “Staycation” in Beijing.  Oh, you want to talk “Summer Fun?”

Let’s do this. 

In a city rich as rich and bounteous in cultural and historical heritage and opportunity as Beijing is, one must take acute and exacting measures to sufficiently smother said cultural and historical heritage and opportunity in a complete and total manner. Fight the urge to visit points of cultural significance. Combat the impulse to do outdoor activities like hiking and group sports. Resist the temptation to better yourself with classes or seminar events. It’s not easy.  I know it’s not easy. However …

These four words have never failed me in the past, and thus I submit them to you now; they are the key to the best “staycation” in Beijing you could ever hope for: Vin Diesel movie marathon. 

Nothing rakes the virulent culture from ones veins like an extended, non-stop appointment with the D-man’s cinematic body of work. I’m talking xXx through to The Pacifier on into Babylon A.D. and Chronicles of Riddick into the fist bumpin’, dry humpin’ orgy that is the Fast and Furious franchise. 

Lock your doors, shutter your windows, block the sun out of your life, throw your phone into the toilet, get naked as a jaybird, and crank the air-con till it’s shuddering off the wall. Crank your TV up to a volume that would drown out a B-2 Bomber and let the sweet, sweet Vinnie D flow down on you like a healing tide.

If you do this right, your only contact with the outside world should be when you periodically throw McDonald’s delivery bags off your balcony and shout “I am groot!” to the people passing by below. 

I do this at least twice a year. It works. It really does. Vin Diesel. Enjoy. 

(Well … yeah, you could do Jason Statham as well. It’s like a taster’s choice kind of thing.)   

The executive add-on: One year I was feeling particularly inspired and I moved all the furniture from my living room, got a kiddie pool from Taobao, filled it up with buckets of water from the kitchen, and just wallowed in my own corruption and defilement in front of the TV for three days straight. Recommended. 

A caveat: If you’re drinking heavily during your Vin Diesel marathon, which by golly you should be, watch out for the drowning hazard. No one wants to find you floating face-down in a kiddy pool filled with bong water and floating McDonald’s pickles while Dom Toretto talks up the importance of “family” in Fast Five. 

Have a great summer!

Read more from Morgan's explorations of Beijing's dark underbelly here or read about the true winner of 2016's Burger Cup here.

Photo: bestwayswimmingpools.co.uk