Creamy Crack Time: 6 of Beijing's Delivered Bubble Milk Teas Rated Just in Time for Summer

Delicious, cancer-healing, life-affirming milk tea. Where to even begin. 

Milk tea (nǎichá), and more specifically, milk tea with pearls/bubbles (zhēnzhū nǎichá), may just be the reason I’ve stayed in Asia for this long (sorry, girlfriend; screw you, friends). Its combination of liquid silk and sweet beige spheres of chewy rabbit poop heaven add up to one of the best experiences you can have in Beijing, which is why it's consistently rated on Trip Advisor as the number one thing to do:

Part of its many draws is that it straddles that fine line between healthy (it’s just tea, right?) and diabetes-inducing (wrong! This stuff has never seen a tea leaf in its life). In fact, there’s so much white powder being flung around most of these milk tea joints they look something more akin to Tony Montana’s mohogany office than a haven for weight loss. A cup of this stuff is, however, nearly as potent as a fat line of pure, Bolivian c … ane sugar.

Sure, Beijing isn’t exactly the home of the best or most authentic milk tea (that accolade goes to its place of birth, Taiwan) but there are plenty options for a quick fix. Below we’ve compiled the best six delivery options so that you don't even need to leave your snowy desk (you can also find fancier versions in Bellagio, Coucou, Du Hsiao Yueh). All require a RMB 20 minimum spend.

CoCo – RMB 9
Perhaps China’s ubiquitous milk tea brand, originating from Taiwan, Coco is best for a cheap and cheerful rendition of milk tea. They don’t shy away from options either, offering five sugar levels and six variations of temperature. The tea flavor is certainly present, pleasant, and refreshing but nothing to write home about. And whereas the texture of the tea is not particularly creamy, it does leave an ever-so-slightly waxy feeling on the palate, begging for the next unimpeded gulp. All in all, CoCo’s basic tea provides nothing overtly special, it’s just there to huff as fast as possible to relieve the jitters.

Warning: Be wary of CoCos near Beijing’s tourist destinations; one specific instance of sub-par tea last summer at their Houhai branch left me particularly scarred because of the addition of palpably old balls which tasted like they’d been swept from under the dusty counter. No one likes wrinkled, wiry balls.

Happy Lemon (Kuaile Ningmen) – RMB 9
The closest thing to CoCo’s nationwide competitor, Happy Lemon is usually regulated to the dingy basement of malls and that sadness comes across in its taste. This Shanghai brand dabbles in an altogether more artificial flavor set, the creaminess of the tea unable to mask the sweeteners used as its base component, which masks the tea more than is preferable. That doesn’t mean that it’s not to everyone’s liking though, a colleague commenting that all of the above is why she prefers this brand over CoCo.

Imposter Gongcha (IGongcha) – RMB 16
Although delivering suitably big portions of tea, Gongcha took two hours to arrive, by which time the ice cubes had melted (don't order any of these with ice, you're just wasting valuable milk space) and the flavor significantly watered down. We were surprised to find that the bitter tea flavor remained present and the general texture was not overly cloying in creaminess, giving the impression that it’s less artificial than Happy Lemon and CoCo. Halfway through our complaining, however, we realized we'd been duped into buying IGongcha (seriously what the f**k people), so we threw out what remaining counterfeit tea we had left. This is probably the stuff responsible for all those positive drug tests.

Gongcha (real) – RMB 15
The first thing you’ll notice when ordering (real) Gongcha is that the ordinary portion is massive, as with the fake stuff; close to 600ml of unadulterated, beige delight. The second thing you’ll notice is that you might have a minor aneurism trying to suck the larger-than-average balls up the already enlarged straw. Simply put: Gongcha doesn’t mess around when it comes to size.

Gongcha tea is also notable for a hint of coconut, which can’t truthfully be said to be of a natural flavor but does help set it apart from the rest of the pack. That being said, the tea is also creamy and leaves a waxy aftertaste, one that can only be relieved by another hefty sip, then a long sigh, then a groan from drinking a Yanjing beers-worth of milk. This one’s a slog.

Royaltea – RMB 16
Royaltea delivers a flavor not overly dissimilar to Coco’s but you’re paying almost double the price for a reduction in artificial taste as well as a strong tea beginning, which gives way to an almost chocolaty and coffee-like aftertaste. Not bad. The big difference here is that the balls are significantly chewier than the other brands we tried, so you get more bang for your buck re: jaw workout. The texture is velvety without being cloying.

Xiao Ming Tong Xue – RMB 20
Xiao Ming, the Little Commie Tea Lover, sure makes good on his milk tea promises. Rich in chocolate and tea flavors, there’s nary a taste of artificial sweetener in this Taiwanese brand’s hulking and sturdy reinforced plastic cup of instant cooling cha. Nor is there any waxy residue to settle on your palate meaning that you’ll find yourself reaching for Xiao Ming again and again, not to wash out any unseemly aftertaste, but instead because each gulp transports you closer to milk tea bliss. The balls are soft and chewy, reaching a Haribo-like perfection in consistency. Xiao Ming, you my only friend.

Conclusion

After a long tea-induced bloat-reducing lie down, having tested these six hopefuls in the Beijing milk tea sweepstakes, it really only comes down to two winners: CoCo and Xiao Ming. CoCo will remain a favorite for a quick, cheap grab-and-go option, their terrible music and accompanying MC Tea blaring throughout Beijing’s dusty streets and catching your attention at every turn. However, if you truly love yourself and money is no object, do yourself a favor and order Xiao Ming. It might be twice the price but the additional payoff in the form of depth of flavor and refreshment is unending.

On that note, God save the Tea.

More stories by this author here.

Email: tomarnstein@thebeijinger.com
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Photos: bubbleteaology.com, Trip Advisor, Tracy Wang