Fast Food Purveyors Have Some Tricks to Provide You With Halloween Treats

Holidays can be lonely days. Thanksgiving and Christmas make most of us realize just how far we are from our families. Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve aggressively remind us that we have no one to kiss. And Halloween is no exception, with an increased pressure to get out, somehow look good while looking scary, and meet up with friends to party.

READ: A Torrent of Spooky, Bloody, Boozy Celebrations to Make Up for Last Weekend

But for those who, like me, would rather celebrate alone, at home, in pajamas, with fast food delivered straight to the sofa from which we will watch scary movies, here are some options to get festive and fat with Beijing's Halloween-themed fast food offerings.
 

KFC: Blood Packs and Bloody Pockets

KFC has inexplicably decided to celebrate Halloween by slapping the Shrek logo on their spooky eats. Maybe these are products and packaging that failed to launch back when Shrek was a thing (the last installment in the Shrek series, Shrek: Forever After, was released in 2010, though a fifth film has reportedly been green-lit for a 2019 release), or maybe KFC knows that the Chinese market just loves Shrek forever after, or maybe – in a spookier interpretation – this is just Shrek coming back from the dead.

Regardless, the blood pack (RMB 7) will make a great accessory for anyone planning to go as a sexy nurse or doctor this weekend – better still if you can find a way to add some vodka to it. They're soft, flexible, and resealable, so stick a couple in your bra for some extra oomph as you breeze through security at one of the many clubs' parties this weekend. It's just your standard Hawaiian punch-flavored beverage, mighty tasty and fun to slurp. Big ups to KFC for this cute, bold, and mildly gross packaging.

The pie (RMB 15), filled with a strawberry cheesecake combination of cream cheese and strawberry goo, is also pretty good (for a fast food dessert). The shell is crunchy and deep-fried, as all the best KFC products are, and the inside was the perfect blend of sugary sweetness and rich, additive-infused cream cheese. Thanks to their color scheme, these pies will also transition well into the Christmas holiday season. KFC, we're going to forgive you for the untimely Shrek endorsement, because these are both as tasty as they are fun.
 

Burger King: More Sad Than Spooky

Are they chicken wings? Are they bat wings? Is the sauce supposed to symbolize blood? Or is it just vaguely autumnal in hue? I consider myself a Buffalo wing connoisseur, so I was eager to try what looked to be spicy, tangy wings from a fast food stalwart of my homeland. Instead, I got:

What is this? The two-piece order of wings looks like someone's unwanted table scraps, fished out of a trash can outside Burger King. The scariest part of this Halloween treat was the fact that I was wearing a white shirt, as the staining power of this sauce is stronger than its flavor. What was advertised as "gnaw gnaw poured-sauce chicken wings" were, in reality, just slightly spicy, comparatively sauceless chicken. Burger King, in the future, stick to what you know, and leave the chicken to the Colonel.
 

Pizza Hut: Cute and Scary Pizza

The cutest option on offer (and available through your preferred waimai app) is Pizza Hut's spider pie (RMB 79). This stuffed-crust, black-dyed pie features grilled chicken, peppers, mushroom, and – to my delight – diced pumpkin, all slathered with a surprisingly well-executed mayonnaise spider web. They've topped it off with a cute, puffy little pizza-dough spider, making this chunk of junk food almost presentable if you're lazy and headed to a Halloween potluck dinner (the other guests will likely still give you s**t for your lack of effort, but it will be one of the cutest dishes on the table, we're sure).

By making it stuffed-crust, they've basically cheated their way into my heart. But the ingredients actually do go well together. Putting pumpkin on a pizza is an unexpected faux-gourmet move for the international pizza chain, but it pays off, combining with the salty, smokey barbecued chicken and tangy mayonnaise for a fun and flavorful Halloween feast. Pizza Hut, give the person who came up with this pie a raise.
 

Dunkin Donuts: A Good Way to Share a Scare

Last but not least, nor the least cute, Dunkin Donuts is now selling their "Happy Halloween Donuts Gift Boxes." They're sweet in every sense of the word, and a great way to share a scare with friends and/or coworkers. Unfortunately, it seems they will not sell single Halloween-themed donuts if you're looking to have a little celebration for one – these are only available in half-dozen box sets (RMB 79). Annoying, yes, but still so cute!

When I went to the new Dunkin Donuts in Sanlitun (on the first floor of Pacific Century Place, next to Cinker Cinemas) at 10am, they told me that they were sold out but would have more around 1pm. So either get over to Dunkin early (why not? You need coffee to start the day, anyway) or call in ahead of time to order an afternoon pick-me-up. These would be a perfect way to explain to your students how and why we celebrate dead people with sweet treats – no explanation necessary beyond the taste of too much sugar. Dunkin Donuts, thanks for helping us keep the holiday sweet.

Photos: Mary Kate White, bkchina.cn